PETA can Pet Uga’s Balls

Author: ODB

The advocates for the Ethical Treatment of Animals emailed this gem to UGA’s athletic director in the wake of the untimely death of the greatest mascot in the history of sports, Uga VII.

“In the wake of the untimely death of the University of Georgia’s (UGA) bulldog mascot, Uga VII, PETA has asked the school’s athletic director, Damon M. Evans, to replace the mascot with an animatronic dog–or to rely solely on a costumed mascot–instead of using another real bulldog. Bulldogs are prone to breathing difficulties, hip dysplasia, heart disorders, and other congenital ailments, and acquiring a dog from a breeder perpetuates the animal overpopulation crisis while causing another dog waiting in an animal shelter to be condemned to death.”

I have ghost written a response for Mr. Evans:

Dear PETA,

You have suggested that the University of Georgia cease using actual English Bulldogs to represent the university as its mascot on the grounds that it is harmful to the dogs well being. We believe that instead of arguing that UGA should cease using dogs as their mascot, that PETA should start advocating that all animals be cared for in the manner that Uga was.

Uga received weekly vet checkups and had a veterinarian on call for emergencies who responded to house calls within five minutes of being summoned.

Uga is cared for by a millionaire Savannah attorney.

Uga sleeps in hotels while traveling.

Uga travels first class in airplanes.

Uga has an air conditioned doghouse.

Uga has beautiful college coeds fawning over him at all times and has a student ID card that allows him access to those coeds whenever he wishes.

Uga eats steak for meals. And the occasional gamecock.

Uga makes more money on the lecture circuit than the entire yearly budget of PETA.

Uga has a doctorate.  From Yale.

Uga has appeared as himself in a major motion picture.

If Uga were alive today, he would simply say, “Bite Me.”  But be careful, because he will definitely bite you back.

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